Pseudotherapy

Oh. My. Godsmack. As of Saturday morning, I have lost THIRTY POUNDS!!! IN SIX WEEKS!!!

Actually, a bit less than six weeks, since my seventh week doesn’t technically begin until Tuesday morning. So it’s more like 5½ weeks. And I’m feeling better, healthier than I have felt in probably 20 years. Heck, maybe 30. Not that I look 20 years younger — that may or may not come in time —but I sure feel like I’ve shed 20 years. It’s really nice to be able to walk up a flight of stairs while conversing, and not get short of breath. And who knew there was some actual muscle tone under those layers of fat?!?!

But I have to admit, the #1 greatest thrill for me in this process is getting rid of my extra chins. I actually have a jawline again, and my neck isn’t as wide as my face! It shocks me every time I see my own reflection. It shocks me right into dancing a little jig.

No, I’m not going to turn this into a weight loss blog. But now and then, I will be bragging.

Feng Shui works on a blog, right?

I set these words here with honest and serious intent. I speak with full intention that this become truth.

I AM GOING TO ADAM’S HALLOWEEN PARTY ON NOVEMBER 1, 2008.

I am open to the power of the universe in helping this to occur.

UPDATE: It has been suggested that I put up a donation button to help fund my trip in return for some outrageous act of gratitude. I’m desperate enough to consider this. Opinions? Comments? Questions?

UPDATE #2: The universe has spoken. And the answer was an emphatic NO. When the universe speaks emphatically, I listen. And that’s enough about that.

Avitable created a meme! And I just can’t NOT do it.

My favorite age: 49-50. Best time of my life, so far.

My best friend: Bret, also known as my lifeline.

My celebrity crush: Tim Curry. Also, Gerard Butler. And Matthew McConaughey.

My defining characteristic: I am notorious for my deep-seated insecurity.

My most evil moment: I tried to steal another woman’s husband. I tried really, really hard. There’ll be some karmic payback for that in some future lifetime, I’m sure.

My favorite food: Pizza in just about any form.

My grossest injury: I stripped the flesh off my palm down to the muscle while trying to open a drainpipe without a wrench.

My biggest hatred: Cruelty to animals. Despite this, I am not a vegetarian — which is mighty damn hypocritical of me, isn’t it?

My most illegal activity: I smuggled drugs across an international border in my bra. On two separate occasions.

My need for justice: The utter lack of separation between church and state in the Southeastern states appalls and disgusts me. Why are states and counties allowed to pass laws based solely on religious beliefs? 

My most knowledgeable field: Spelling and grammar, and incompetence with either is my pet peeve. Although I do feel some grammar rules are archaic and should be ignored.

My life’s goal: To see my novel on display at Barnes & Noble.

My mother’s influence: From her I learned unconditional love, the fine art of flirting and how to make a killer tamale pie.

My nerdiest point: Installing my own heat sink while helping Bret build our computers.

My oldest memory: Looking out a plane window and seeing vivid green. We were making a emergency stop at Shannon, Ireland so I could be rushed to hospital.

My perfect date: Indian food, followed by slow dancing and cigars over tequila at a blues bar.

My unanswered question: Why not me?

My random fact: I used to run a costume business out of my home. The costumes I designed and created won awards for my customers every year, but I never won one for my own costume.

My stupidest decision: Cashing in $55,000 worth of Tribune Company stock to pay off bills.

My favorite television show: Currently on air? Dexter. Of all time? The X-Files (seasons 1-4 only). Runners-up would be Firefly and Farscape.

My style of underwear: Boy shorts. They make even a fat ass look hot.

My favorite vegetable: Peas. Or maybe radishes. Wait, are olives a vegetable?

My weakest trait: I have a serious deficiency when it comes to self-esteem.

My X-men power: X-ray vision. I can see right through you.

My strongest yearning: That which cannot be spoken.

My moment of Zen: 4 a.m. on a rainy morning, working on my blog by candlelight, no one awake but me and Mouse and the coffee pot.

One of the best things about being a blogger is the people you get to know. Like all of you, I’ve made many online friends over the years. Last year, I decided to step out from behind my monitor and try to meet some of my online friends face to face. In the past 16 months I’ve met Hilly, Karl, Neil, Dave2, Kathleen, Catherine, Liz, Amandarin, Carrie, Peggy, Vahid, Winter, Motley, Jester, UMB and Jerry, and I’ve still got a wish list of bloggers I hope to meet someday.

Ajooja and me. Him TALL.

Saturday night I got to cross a name off that list. Ajooja and his wife were in San Diego on a business trip/vacation, so we got together for dinner at Nick’s At The Pier in my most favorite beach town of all, Ocean Beach. Our original plan was to meet at South Beach Bar & Grille for the best fish tacos in the world, but we got an inside tip that they might be just a tad busy on a Saturday night, so we shifted locales around the corner. Nick’s was a much smarter choice anyway, since it’s about a billion times quieter than SBB&G. When you’re meeting someone for the first time, it always helps to be able to actually hear what they’re saying, don’t you think? An added benefit was that Nick’s was not having a busy night, so we were seated at a window table right away.

Ajooja and his lovely wife

Ajooja guards his privacy pretty zealously, so I won’t use real names or any other revealing information here. Both he and his wife — who is indeed every bit as gorgeous as he describes — are warm and friendly, and there was an instant comfort level that comes from already knowing someone via their blog. Still, the friendship rises to another level when you sit across a table from someone and actually share a conversation. When you can hear their voice, watch their expressions, see how they interact with their mate, they naturally become more real to you. The friendship no longer requires the prefix of “online.” Plus, you get to find out just how different the person is from how they come across in their blog.

That was one of the topics of conversation at dinner, and Ajooja was in agreement that it can sometimes be a bit of a shock when you’ve had one concept in mind and are suddenly finding out how far off you were! I don’t know if he was experiencing that with me or not, but I certainly was with him! To be honest, I was so paranoid about meeting Ajooja that I almost backed out. My crush on him is no secret, and I think it’s probably been pretty obvious that crush largely stemmed from my thinking how much he reminded me of my first love. Speaking with him on the phone had intensified that impression. I even commented to Bret how unnerving it was to hear Randy’s voice coming from someone else. Bret was quite curious to see if he had the same opinion.

And then we met the Ajoojas. In person, he sounds nothing like Randy, which makes me wonder how hard my imagination was at work during our phone conversations! In person, he resembles Randy only in being a big, good-looking guy. Personality-wise, about the only similarity is both guys love San Diego passionately. While Randy is quiet and deeply shy, Ajooja is gregarious and outgoing, obviously comfortable meeting new people and experiencing new things, a true lover of life with all its adventures. He clearly picked exactly the right woman, too, as their mutual adoration is evident and delightful. Listening to them talk about their longings to be in San Diego made me smile. I know that feeling so well. Both are also kindly gracious — Bret tends to get quite rambling when the beer hits him (as some of you know first-hand), and they humored him good-naturedly. [Note to Karl: Bret only said "Stone" one time!!!]

I learned recently that Ajooja first began reading me when I was writing The Write Coast during my purgatorious ten months in Georgia. He was pretty surprised when he realized I am the author of both blogs. Sigh. Someday I hope to regain the level of excellence I achieved on TWC, but lordy, it’s hard to be a blogger when I’m working full-time.

Good dinner, good times and new friends IRL. Thanks, Ajooja and T****. We’re looking forward to next year!

First, thanks to everyone for your congratulations and support for my weight-loss efforts. Believe me, they are welcome and needed.

Several people expressed interest in how I lost 20 pounds in 21 days, so I thought I’d explain. I haven’t mentioned anything about it until now because, honestly, I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to stick it out. I didn’t want to make a big announcement that I was embarking on yet another diet, only to drop the whole thing ten days later. I’m over the toughest part now, or so I’m told, so I feel comfortable talking about it.

At my last visit, my doctor (the same one who scolded me for spending too much time on my computer) told me that if I didn’t lose a significant amount of weight soon, I’d likely be dead within five years. I had several health pre-crisis-stage issues, all of which she said were being caused by my small body attempting to provide life support for way too many pounds. She said slow and gradual wasn’t going to cut it in my case, and I wasn’t healthy enough for surgery (which I don’t want anyway).

She put me on an extreme rapid weight-loss program called Medifast, which used to be available by prescription only. It’s changed a bit since then — instead of just six chalky shakes per day, now you have the option of doing five Medifast “meals” plus one “Lean and Green” meal each day. And the Medifast menu has expanded to include bars, soups, oatmeals, powdered eggs, and a couple of things they call “chili” and “beef stew.” All portions are one cup or less in volume. Basically, except for the L&G meal, you are on a post-gastric-bypass diet without the surgery. Including your L&G meal, you’re taking in 800-1000 calories per day. The idea is to get into and maintain a fat-burning state without veering into starvation mode, which actually slows weight loss as your body attempts to save itself.

It was living hell for the first two weeks. I hated this program like I have never hated any other. I love to eat, and suddenly I could only have one meal a day, and that is just meat and vegetables. None of my favorite vegetables either, like peas, carrots or corn — mostly leafy green stuff, UGH. No legumes or grains at all. And my beloved milk? Two tablespoons a day. I find that worse than none, so I don’t even use that extra. Shakes, soups and bars for the other five meals. The soups and bars are actually good, but the shakes taste exactly like barium. None of it is food you’d choose to eat. I was miserable. The one misery missing was HUNGER. I don’t understand how it’s possible, but if you space your “feedings” properly, you don’t feel much physical hunger. The mental hunger is what’s tough. And believe me, that was a battle.

I missed eating. I missed flavor. I missed the pleasure and joy of a delicious, filling meal. Most of all, I was struggling to survive without my sole source of pleasure and comfort and fulfillment. That emptiness inside me that I’ve always filled with food was gaping open, bleeding and raw. I felt like I was floundering in pain and grief with no anesthetic to turn to. Nothing to ease my stress. Nothing to brighten my day or lift my mood when things are tough. Nothing to look forward to. If nothing else, the Medifast program showed me how warped my relationship with food was. I hadn’t gotten so fat by being hungry all the time; those pounds were gained by making food my dearest friend and closest companion. Food was my medicine, my rewards, my security blanket, my recreation. And it was gone. I am not exaggerating when I say that I went through withdrawal. I also cycled through all the stages of grief within a three-week period.

What got me through it? Unwillingness to die was #1. I’m not afraid of death, I’m just not ready yet. My Health Coach was (and continues to be) a godsend. I am so thankful that my initial google of Medifast led me to her website, where I enrolled. Both times I was about to quit, she helped me focus on the positive rather than the negative. And she taught me how to “legally” enhance the MF meals so they are more enjoyable. The weight coming off so quickly was amazing and highly motivating. And above all, Bret has supported me every step of the way. It hasn’t been easy for him. One night he actually had to talk me out of a suicide plan. He quit smoking (after 40 years!) a week before I started Medifast, so you can imagine there were a few times it wasn’t pretty at our house. But mostly, we were supportive and encouraging with each other, sometimes even making jokes about the agony. I truly believe us breaking our respective addictions simultaneously helped each of us stay strong. We inspired each other to keep going.

We are now both into smoother waters, comfortable with the lifestyle changes. We’ve lost all desire to “cheat” or give up, and are enjoying the benefits of improved health. We are daily astounded at how much easier we can breathe already, and how much more energy we both have. I still have a long way to go in my program, but am thrilled and proud about my progress so far. I feel so different inside, both physically and emotionally. Who would have believed three weeks could make such a difference? I can’t even imagine how I’ll feel (and look!) in six months!