Pseudotherapy

I don’t know about you people, but I’m pretty much fed up with the funk I’ve been in lately. There are spells of “up-ness” every day, but come evening, I’m listless and sad. For no good reason! There’s some cool stuff going on in my life right now. I think it’s time to focus on that instead of how crappy I’ve been feeling.

For the second time in a month, one of my photos on Flickr has been chosen for use by a third party. A few weeks ago, Schmap requested permission to use my shot of Hodad’s Burger Bar in their online guide to San Diego. I admit I was a bit more excited before I discovered it was only one of about ten photos they used for that listing, but I got a kick out of it anyway. Hey, you gotta start somewhere, right?

Yesterday I was informed that a picture I took back in my teens was chosen for use in a promotional video for Intel’s new 45nm Penryn chip. You can see the video here; my photo is the one that pops up when the guy says, “Jump ahead to the late ’60s.” The hippies one, I mean, not the man-on-the-moon one. And let’s not nit-pick about the fact that I actually took the picture in 1971 ? the look’s the same, anyway.

But damn it! Why can’t someone choose one of my really good photos to use somewhere?!?! One of those I spent hours composing and framing and re-shooting until I had it just perfect. Wait, I don’t take pictures like that. Okay, never mind, but I do have much more creative and artistic pictures on Flickr; why doesn’t someone want to use one of those? You know, like maybe this one:

A masterpiece, huh??

[tags]Flickr, Schmap, Intel, 45nm, Penryn[/tags]

Here’s a perfect illustration of how depression affects the mind. This is my current desktop wallpaper:

I chose this photo (by Dean Forbes, found on Flickr) because I loved the beauty and serenity of all those lovely glowing candles. Today, my eyes go straight to the single candle that’s not burning.

I’d never even noticed there was an unlit one before.

[tags]Depression, bi-polar, negativity[/tags]

How do you deal with emotional turmoil at work? Not turmoil about work, but personal stuff. BAD stuff.

You know what I’m talking about. When something has your heart hurting so bad you are sick with the pain. You’re so sad, so?down that you feel physical pain as well. It’s like the flu. You ache all over, and functioning is a struggle. You want to crawl into bed, hide under the covers and cry it all out. But you can’t, because you have to go to work.

How do you get through the day? Sure, sometimes you can shove those feelings aside to deal with later, but not always. Sometimes they’re just too damn strong, too fresh, too raw. What do you do then, to keep from collapsing into a weepy pile of angst right in the middle of the staff meeting? How do you comfort yourself until you can get home to the loving embrace of your?Scooby-Doo jammies, and?a?dose of?those big ole heartache pills with the white M on them?

How do you do it?

UPDATE: Thank you all for your concern. I made it through by keeping my office door shut most of the day (I had a lot of typing to do, so I actually had a good excuse), and by cutting myself a break from expecting my usual productivity level. My best-work-friend must have seen through my ruse, because she left a bag of Dark Chocolate M&Ms on my desk while I was in the bathroom, with a Post-It that said, “Sometimes we find clarity in the Darkness.” I didn’t find clarity (if only it were that easy!), but took comfort from the gesture. The chocolate didn’t hurt, either!

[tags]Depression, coping[/tags]

Ten reasons why I’m happy today:

1. Eight straight hours of sleep last night.
2. Bret surprised me with a beautiful new black-and-silver mini-tower for us to build my new computer inside.
3. One of my kitty photos won second place in a Flickr contest.
4. Papa John’s new Smokehouse Bacon & Ham pizza for breakfast!
5. I rearranged my office.
6. Tomorrow I find out if any of mine and Juli’s photos won ribbons at the county fair.
7. My BFIL gave me flowers on Facebook. Yes, women are even suckers for virtual flowers.
8. I got my new swimsuit!!! (Haven’t tried it on yet, though.)
9. My sister bought our airline tickets for the Rancho Vistozo getaway Labor Day weekend.
10. Jericho’s cancellation was rescinded, and it WILL be returning!

You know that commercial about how “depression hurts”? It’s true. My bones hurt. My stomach hurts. Even my eyes hurt. I hurt inside and out.

I got knocked onto the downward slope tonight, which is why I’m even awake at 11:30 p.m. Can’t sleep. Can’t concentrate. Can’t think of anything except, I did it again. I set myself up for this again. Will I never learn? I swallowed the same old bullshit hook, line and sinker. Sinker is right. I’m in quicksand.

Note to self: Stop allowing this to happen. Trust your brain, not your heart.