Pseudotherapy

I know I’ve said I’m not going to turn this into a weight-loss blog (mostly because that’s the surest way to sabotage myself, LOL), but dang, it’s hard not to talk about what’s happening to me. I feel like I’m living a miracle. Like my fairy godmother granted my wish. Like I may actually succeed at something. Because I’m still going! Still losing! And yet, all is not quite as wonderful as you’d think.

As long as I can remember, I’ve had this fantasy of waking up one day to discover that I’ve magically slimmed down overnight. Go to sleep a size 20, wake up a size 5. Riiight. In reality, can you imagine how terrifying that would be? Like Tom Hanks in Big, would you even recognize yourself in the mirror? Think about that for a minute. If the image reflected back at you was not the one you expected, how would that feel?

I’m experiencing that to a moderate degree. As of this morning, I’ve lost 46 pounds since August 19th. That’s less than three months. And even though I still have a lot more to lose, the change in my appearance is pretty remarkable. Sometimes when I see my reflection unexpectedly, it startles me because I’m used to little piggy eyes peering out of a bloated face. Lately, I’m instead seeing a face that disappeared about 20 years ago. That’s not as ridiculous as it sounds, because apparently soy is very, very good for your skin and there’s a LOT of soy in the Medifast meals. And I have a jawline again! I mean, a visible one that’s not buried under blubbery jowls. I can actually feel my jawbone.

But you know what’s weird? Most of the time I cannot see the difference in my body. There must be a difference, since I’ve gone from a size 24 down to a size 14. But when I see myself in a full-length mirror, I think I look just the same. It really sucks. Everyone can see it but me. I can feel the difference when I run my hands over my legs or butt — I can feel the bones and the muscles I’m building, now that my “fat suit” is dissolving. I don’t know why I can’t see it for myself.

That’s why you haven’t seen full-body pictures yet. I’m scared. If I let someone take some and they’re disappointing, I don’t know what that might do to my momentum. This program is tough, and the rapid results are what keeps me going. If I look at recent photos and don’t see the change, I’m afraid I’ll lose motivation. At least if it’s a reflection in a mirror, I can say my mind is playing tricks on me. Actually, I did take some shots of my reflection in a mirror two weeks ago, but the quality sucked. Even I could barely tell it was me!

But I have an idea brewing. There’s a picture of me at my favorite beach that Bret surreptitiously took last February. I was at my all-time highest weight, 52½ pounds heavier than I am now. I HATE that photo, but it has been a motivation tool for me in the past few months. I want to go to that exact spot, similarly dressed, and have Bret take a new picture of me. Then I want to compare them, side by side, and see if that helps me see the change in me. I think we’ll do that this weekend. And if it works, I’ll publish both pictures on Monday. If not, well, I may publish them anyway.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 14th, 2008 at 12:05 am and is filed under Health, Me. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.