Of hindsight and hypocrisy
Isn’t it funny how differently things appear when you look back on them? Not funny ha-ha, funny sad. Hindsight is so often clearer than foresight. What seems like a good — or at the very least harmless — idea at the time so often ends up biting us in the ass. At least that’s what I’ve found to be true.
I’m an impulsive person, given to acting on the spur of the moment without considering the consequences. You may already know that about me from the multiple times I’ve shut down my blog “forever” in the throes of an emotional moment. Once I come to my senses and realize I didn’t really want to do that, I get to enjoy the humiliation of eating my words for as long as it takes people to quit reminding me of my rash actions. Still, swallowing my pride and my words is better than the alternative, and humiliation and I are long-time acquaintances.
Even more than impulsive acts, what I truly dread is deciding to do something based on how *I* perceive it or mean it to be construed, only to have others see it another way altogether. I will do or say something without any malice whatsoever intended (and in fact without even an inkling that it could appear to be an act of malice), and then be completely blindsided by the negative reaction. To make matters worse, there have been times when the sincerity of my bewilderment was questioned, which makes me wonder just what kind of person some people think I am. Do I seem like a mean-spirited person? Do I appear to enjoy being cruel? Seriously?
Being hypersensitive myself, I would think it obvious that I’m also very sensitive to the feelings of others. Not to mention my lost-puppy personality trait of always wanting to please. Kind of contradicts the idea of me as a heartless bitch, don’t you think? Doing or saying something deliberately hurtful to another is just not me.
Doing or saying something impulsively, now that’s more typical of me. Speak first, think later. And when “later” comes and I do think things out, I may not feel the same way — and I’m not too proud to say so, even if it does get me labeled a hypocrite from time to time. It’s not hypocrisy to correct a misstatement, nor is it hypocrisy to have a change of heart. Hypocrisy is saying you feel one way when you *know* you feel the opposite, like claiming to be open-minded while you’re passing judgement on the actions of others.
In case you’re wondering, yes, I’ve done something with good intentions that I now realize may not be taken as I’d intended it. Never even occurred to me it could be taken negatively until too late. You would think I’d have learned by now, wouldn’t you?
November 4th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I am sure they will understand that your heart was in the right place!
Gooster´s last blog post: Candle Light Vigil for No On Prop 8
November 4th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Gooster: Thank you, I hope you’re right!
November 4th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I have done the same thing…where you jump to conclusions, react, and then have to backtrack. I have also been on the receiving end of a malicious act that the person simply couldn’t see where they were being cruel. It goes both ways.
Meh, we are all human.
Anyway…I have so much respect for you that you have written such a thoughtful post about this. I hope your situation works out.
*hugs*
Ginger´s last blog post: This is What It Means to be Held…
November 4th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Ginger: Thanks for your support. I appreciate hearing from someone else who’s been in this situation. And hugs are always welcome!
November 4th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Gee whiz.
You’re not PERFECT?
Damn.
Who’s going to be my shining example from now on?
Crap.
Mattie´s last blog post: Never Lost
November 4th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I know what you mean. One of the worst feelings for me is when I’ve unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings. Contrary to what some people think, I’m really not mean. Like you, I tend to leap before I look and more often than not I will get myself in trouble. I’m sorry you have a situation like this going on right now! I hope it works out!
November 4th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
That whole second paragraph? I totally could have written that. It’s been a serious bit of pain here and there since I was a kid. People are so quick to be content with a terrible mis-impression of a clearly good person, and it’s so difficult to just shake that off, which is of course the first advice other people will offer. It fucking stings, you feel urgent to right it, defend your honor and good character, which has been developed with effort from the inside out over a long period of time. Just to have somebody smear that in two seconds and perhaps start spreading the word that you’re awful is just painfully dispiriting to experience. Hard not to take that personally, hard to have to re-earn trust of which you are long since already deserving. It’s so messy, so tempting to feel outraged. I feel your pain. I don’t know about you, but for me it’s gotten easier to deal with over time. I know how to ‘get over it’ pretty quickly, and realize that it ain’t me, nothing I could have controlled, and since so often people are happy to feel smug and righteous, nothing you can do to correct things except continue on your path uncompromised and undefeated.
And you know, the truth has a funny way of coming out over time.
Catherine´s last blog post: The Hangar Café
November 4th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Oh blogmama, we really do have so much in common… I’m impulsive too. I hope that whoever this is will know that your heart is always in the right place. Big, big hugs.
suze´s last blog post: not getting sick, nope, not at all…
November 4th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Mattie: I’ve fallen off someone’s perfection pedestal so many times, I’ve got permanent bruises! Perhaps I can serve as your shining example for resilience?
Lisa: Impulsive should be my middle name! It’s a good thing it doesn’t always turn out badly. Thanks for caring!
Catherine: Very nicely put. I think it’s a pretty good indication of how well someone truly knows us (or doesn’t) when they think the worst of us instead of recognizing we couldn’t possibly have intended something as it appears on the surface. A therapist once told me it’s human nature to project our own tendencies onto the actions of others, i.e. assuming they are acting with the same purpose we would have in that situation. I found that a fascinating theory. And I’m happy to say that, at least in this case, the other person isn’t petty enough to badmouth me to other friends. I experienced that once while in college, and it was despicable.
Suze: Thanks, sweetie. Hugs backatcha!
November 5th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I am the same way. To an extreme. I try to learn to be more sensitive. But I can’t :(
kilax´s last blog post: A reason NOT to skip the post-race awards ceremony
November 5th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Kim: I need to be less sensitive myself, but am glad to be sympathetic to the feelings of others. I am working on being less impulsive, trying to remember to “sit on things” and take another look at them before reacting. But it’s tough, because immediate reactions are so much in my nature.
November 5th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Ooo!!!
Couple things, one, make that THIRD paragraph, also strike the word ‘of’ between words ‘trust’ and ‘which’. Gah, Proofread FAIL!
Second, That theory so often hits the nail square on the head - people either project what they themselves would be intending, or what they figure a given person would be intending based on a primarily cynical view. In either case, definitely it is a matter of them not knowing or understanding us well at all, and if they should know better by that point, not bothering to do any critical thinking whatsoever or asking into things. Presumptuousness = evil. Working to make sense of something/intelligent inquiry = GOOD.
Catherine´s last blog post: my president
November 13th, 2008 at 10:19 am
It happens to the best of us. Just being honest and transparent should help smooth things over. Good luck.