Pseudotherapy

What would you do for love? What have you done for love? How much of yourself would you sacrifice on Cupid’s altar, and more to the point, would you even realize you were doing so?

Bret and I have been together five years now. I am a very different person than I was before we connected. Some of the change was natural, and would have occurred no matter what was going on in my life. Some of it was conscious and deliberate, making a place for a man in the life of a woman who’d been single for 20 years. Some of it was unconscious and slow, my responses to Bret’s presence. Do I regret any of those changes? A few (like the 40 pounds I’ve gained). Do I feel any were forced or coerced? Not one damn bit.

The relationship I was in just before The Bret Invasion was not a healthy one for me (some of you know that story and will agree).? I was obsessively in love, and wanted that guy beyond reason. The fact that I couldn’t have him just made me want him more. I was so crazy about him that I basically tried to turn myself into him. As soon as he’d tell me something he liked, I’d agree enthusiastically, then madly research it so I’d know what I was talking about. His likes and dislikes became my likes and dislikes. His interests became my interests. In everything ? music, movies, TV shows, foods, even slang ? I became a reflection of him. I suppose subconsciously I thought if I could appeal enough to his ego, he’d?want me. I was still waiting for that to happen when Bret rode in on his white horse?and kidnapped my heart.

It was different from Day One with Bret. I was not trying to make him love me ? quite the contrary, in fact ? so there was no facade. He got the real me, unfiltered, undiluted. I had no motivation to pretend to be somebody I wasn’t. When he’d express an opinion that I disagreed with, I’d say so quite emphatically, defiantly. One day, in one of those moments of mental clarity so sharp they cut, it suddenly hit me: Bret accepted me. ME. The real me, not the fabricated one. He not only accepted me, but had fallen head over heels in love with ME.

And lo, I unshot the bolt of resistance wherewith?I had?imprison’d my heart.

I have been accused more than once of molding myself to Bret’s wishes. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some members of my family preferred the “old me,” and choose to blame Bret for the ways in which I’ve changed. It’s sad, and it’s unfair to Bret, who has never demanded anything from me. Yes, I spend less time with my family, but I have a husband now. Before, I had nowhere else to be but with them. Yes, my taste in music has changed. It’s been doing that all my life. Bret has music in his blood, and has introduced me to many new (to me) artists ? some I like and some I don’t. I’ve done the same for him. Same thing with movies and TV, and everything else. We share our likes with each other, and then make up our own minds, and neither feels pressure to agree with the other. He couldn’t make me like Bob Wills if he held a gun to my head, and I’d have no better luck with Yanni. [Yes, I DO like Yanni! So what?] It’s a huge part of the fun we have, the sharing. And it’s an aspect that’s been sadly missing in previous relationships.

This is real love. It’s not just about accepting him exactly as he is. It’s also, equally, about having no need or desire to alter myself to “match” him. It’s about being free to be ME.

[tags]Acceptance, unconditional love, the real thing[/tags]

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 20th, 2008 at 7:47 am and is filed under Life/Marriage, Me. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.