Pseudotherapy

I did it!!! I did it, I did it, I did it!!!

I actually SAT on a post overnight before publishing it. Well, not literally SAT ON, but you know what I mean. I wrote a long, emotional, apologetic post yesterevening, and then forced myself to follow Blog Club Rules #1 and #2. This morning I re-read it and said, “What a pile of sniveling, self-pitying codswallop. Complete and utter horseshit.” DELETE. See how much I love you all, my devoted readers? I saved you the trouble.

I have now come to the conclusion that I am either (a) pitifully insecure, (b) ridiculously bipolar or (c) maniacally menopausal. The correct answer varies from hour to hour, so let’s just go with (d) all of the above. I’ll bet you thought I wasn’t aware of how contradictory my posts lately have been, huh? Yes, I am. And if you think my recent posts are erratic, just try living with me. My mind is a pinball machine, the ball is my emotions and the Hormone Wizard is manning the trigger. Thank God it’s not a gun.

But here’s the thing: This is *my* blog. It’s my outlet, a reflection of what I’m going through at that particular moment. If I need to vent about something, I’m going to do so. If that turns out to be a passing mood and I don’t like what I posted, I’m going to take it down. Yes, it will still be “out there” via feed readers and the Wayback Machine, but it won’t be in my face every time I look at Pseudotherapy. On the other hand, I may choose to leave the post up, as a reminder to myself that this too shall pass.

This is the toughest “phase” I’ve lived through, way worse than adolescence. At times it seems like my body is trying to drive me insane. And everyone around me, I might add. Whatever horror stories you’ve heard about menopausal madness, multiply those by ten and you’ve got an inkling of what it’s like. Emotional stability is non-existent. You wanna talk about moody? Try waking up five times every night soaked with sweat from your chonies to your sheets. Try being period-free for 17 months and suddenly finding yourself sitting in a pool of blood AT THE OFFICE. Try coping with tension headaches that strike without warning and lay you out flat. Try having to explain why you’re sobbing about a Sonic commercial. Try dealing with a raging libido when it’s a record high tide on the Red Sea. Try being efficient at work when you can’t remember what was said to you three days ago. It does tend to generate just a few minor mood swings, ahem.

Yeah, I’m emotional and impulsive. Always have been, and now that I’m working on my Ph.D in rapid cycling, I tend to do stupid things and come to my senses later. Some of you may find my fluctuating frenzies too much to take. That’s okay. I’ll miss you, but I understand. Some of you may think it’s all just part of my irresistible charm. For you, there’s a spot reserved in the Paradise of Unconditional Love. Or wait, maybe it’s the Hell of Unconditional Love. Whatever, same thing.

I’ve recently taken a personal vow to be true to myself on this blog. Well, poppets, this insanity *is* me, in all my mercurial majesty. Love me or leave me, your choice. I have thrown open the gates to the mad roller coaster that is my life. You might want to swallow some Dramamine as you step aboard.

[tags]Menopause, mood swings, bipolar[/tags]

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 20th, 2008 at 12:47 pm and is filed under Blogging, Me, Moods. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.