It’s called ROUND
I have no shape.
According to the fashion world, anyway. That would be because I’m round. Clothing designers and fashion advisers seem determined to deny the existence of all us apple-shaped people. You’ve got your pears, your rectangles, your inverted triangles, but no circles.
My theory is that, other than pumpkin costumes and Santa suits, it’s pretty much impossible to design clothing that flatters us Apples. So rather than attempt it, the fashion world simply pretends we don’t exist. Well, I happen to know that I am not the only person on earth whose largest measurement is my waist. [God Almighty, did I really just throw that out for public knowledge?!?!] I’ve been in massive crowd-gatherings twice lately and have seen plenty of my spherical compatriots. So where are our cute clothes? Our flattering styles? Our chapters in the fashion-advice books?
You guys may not be aware of this, but there’s an entire category of books advising women on how to dress. We’re given guidance on what styles to look for, what colors to choose, even what fabrics maximize our minimals and minimize our maximums. The basic goal seems to be to make us all look like we’re shaped exactly the same. Pffft to that idea! Still, I would appreciate suggestions on how to downplay my biggest dimension, which is why I buy the advice books. Only I can never find even a mention of Apples or circles or any such shape. No advice that works for me at all.
“Use belts to give your waist definition.” OK, well, first you have to have a waist. An indented one, I mean. Do you know what happens when an Apple wears a belt? It exaggerates our middle. If it will even stay on our middle! Even my car’s seatbelt slides up around my neck within five minutes.
“Empire waistlines are the chubby girl’s best friend.” And here’s what happens when an Apple wears an Empire: “When is your baby due?”
“Avoid too-short tops, which can cut you off right at your widest point.” Well, duh. Unfortunately for us Apples, tops that aren’t supposed to be too short often are. All that extra acreage needs extra yardage for proper coverage. Yeah, like a maternity top, but, ahem, see above.
“Dresses from Omar the Tentmaker never flatter anyone.” I absolutely agree. Offer me an alternative that both fits and flatters, and I’ll be all over it like creamcheese on a bagel.
You know what? *I’m* going to write the book. The Apple’s Guide To A-Peeling Attire. Why not? I’ve been struggling with this issue most of my life. I believe I’ve learned a thing or two worth sharing. Hell, it can’t be any less useless than How To Not Look Fat, for which I recently paid ten bucks and which seldom acknowledges that there are women larger than a size 16. 16?!?! Give me an effing break. That’s not fat, that’s voluptuous. How not to look fat at size 16: Wear clothes that fit properly. Period.
I’m writing that damn book. Sign up now for advance copies.
Totally Related Aside: It’s not entirely my fault. My father was an Apple. Alas, the fruit didn’t fall far from the tree. [idea blatantly stolen from kapgar]
P.S. Dave2, do you love me more now that you know I’m an *Apple*?
June 28th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
i love this post! you’re so righteous!
“spherical compatriots” made me laugh. :)
you’re right though- there aren’t many options for apple shapes and no one is out there doing anything about it. i think that book would be a BEST seller. and the “A-Peeling” bit is so perfect. i totally think you should write it!!
June 28th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
A MACINTOSH apple?
:-P
June 28th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
Sizzle: I’m giving it some serious consideration …
Dave2: Nope, I’m a Golden Delicious! 8)
June 29th, 2007 at 4:32 am
Don’t you owe me some kind of royalty for using Totally Related Aside? I know mine is Unrelated, but it’s gotta be close enough for the courts to rule in my favor. ;-)
June 29th, 2007 at 6:31 am
I love the book idea!
June 29th, 2007 at 6:45 am
Kevin: Yes, I do! I’ve given you credit now, and if I ever get my T-shirt shop back up, now I’ll owe you TWO! (You thought I’d forgotten, huh?)
Suze: Thanks! It could be fun to write …
June 29th, 2007 at 8:09 am
Write the book! Then after your rich you can start you’re own clothing line for apples and become famous too! What did we use to say in High Sshool?????? JUST DO IT!!! or was that Jerry Rueban that said that???
June 29th, 2007 at 8:26 am
I don’t know what I’d call my shape. Apple bellied?
June 29th, 2007 at 9:15 am
This is a great post. I think I am like a very dilapidated hour glass.
When I first read this, I thought you asked Dave if he wanted to eat you now….I almost died laughing!
June 29th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Put me down for a copy!
Brings whole new meaning to the phrase ‘apple whore’!
June 30th, 2007 at 9:21 am
Yeah, and I need to start selling my T-shirts. Yes, I actually designed one through that site that you were using. Can you remind me what it was? It’s been so long since I’ve been there, I don’t remember the URL anymore. ;-)
July 2nd, 2007 at 2:50 am
The main bitch about being an apple, from a male perspective, is even a belt doesn’t totally keep my jeans from wanting to slip off at inopportune times. Not only do I have an apple belly, but I have no butt either. Suspenders are cool, but a major hassle ’cause I refuse to tuck my shirt in. Tucking my shirt in defeats the “tent-like” shape/purpose of my tee shirts - to mislead the true girth of my apple. There. I’ve said it in public. Say, this is good Psuedotherapy!
July 2nd, 2007 at 5:05 am
Round is a shape- but like my age, mine is unlisted- even tried shopping in expensive stores- they have larger sizes, but still not flattering for over 30 and in non-conforming shapes-
July 4th, 2007 at 9:20 am
Ladies and gentlemen, Karl’s Mom!!! Thanks for stopping by, bfc. I am deeply honored.
July 4th, 2007 at 9:31 am
Lia: But you know how I am about finishing things. I have such trouble staying motivated.
Karl and Randy: NEITHER of you is an apple!!! Karl, your tiny tummy is nothing more than a roof over your toolshed. Randy, you have a teddy-bear build. [No butt?!?! What happened to the famous Randy ass???] John Candy was an apple. Wayne Knight is an apple. You guys aren’t.
Hilly: Uhhh, I would hardly call your hourglass shape dilapidated. You could put somebody’s eye out with those lethal weapons of yours!!!
Bec: You shall have an autographed copy. Apple whore, heh!
Kevin: I’m not sure which one you wanted, but I’ll email you both. Did you really make Kapgar T-shirts?!?! MUST. HAVE. ONE.